Please correct my personal statement?

Question by Dazzle.: Please correct my personal statement?
Im applying for a top sixthform college please correct!:

So far in my GCSE’s, I have tried very hard to achieve my full potential. I am a committed and hardworking student, who strives to achieve the best in myself. I was very pleased with my grades at the end of year 10, and feel I achieved these through my commitment and interest in my studies. Furthermore, throughout year 10 I achieved 100% attendance and excellent punctuality, which I am very proud of. In year 11, I am predicted to achieve A’s and A*’s, and I will use all my effort and commitment to achieve or exceed these grades.

After being appointed a prefect for my effort and reliability throughout my school life, I was then selected as Head Girl in my year group. My role of Head girl is one I take very seriously, as I represent the student body of the school, and organise groups of prefects. In addition to this, I chose to become part of the prom committee, which I attend regular meetings for.

In my year nine options, I opted to choose retail as an option, as I felt strongly about pursuing a career in the business sector – preferably retail. In year 10 I was chosen to be a business leader which was a privilege to be asked – considering I hadn’t opted for business studies. I also won the Retail Award in my year group, for my achievement in the subject. Although I enjoyed and had interested in my retail course, I am excited to choose business studies at a-level to develop my knowledge of the business and retail sector further.

From the age of 5, I have attended regular dance classes, and pursued the sport as a keen hobby. For two years I have volunteered to help younger children in dance, by assisting in the teaching of them, and in year nine, I completed a Dance Leader award, where I completed sessions in a primary school, and the students performed at a dance show. In my dance academy in February, I was awarded “The Pointe Dance Achievement Award” where I was chosen throughout the dance school for my achievement and effort in dance.

In year 10, I was selected as a “House Senior”, where my duties included organising house sporting events. I was also chosen to be part of the Regional Schools Leadership Academy, where I was recognised for my Leadership skills and dedication to sports. I am currently participating in the Step into Sport programme, where I volunteer at my local dance academy. I have also participated in the last two school musicals, “My fair lady” and “West side story” – which required exceptional dedication and commitment.

In April 2010, I participated in work experience where I went to a public relations agency. I feel completing this work experience was very valuable to me, as I gained independence, from travelling independently every day, to being the only student placement there! I also gained confidence in speaking to unfamiliar adults, and talking on the phone to clients. Through the experience, I was regularly writing reports for the company, and speaking to clients – showing the staff trusted me. I was also praised for my writing skills, where my Supervisor commented in my experience letter, “She is a pleasant person with very strong writing skills”. I enjoyed my work experience very much, as I enjoyed writing reports, meeting new people, and being independent. It also gave me an excellent insight into the work environment.

As well as having an interest in dance, I am also a keen reader. Over my years at school I have developed an interest in Literature and I particularly enjoyed reading “Of Mice and Men” in my English Literature lessons. This is one of the reasons I have chosen English Literature at A-level as I not only consider to pursue an English – related career, but I highly enjoy the subject.

My experiences of my studies at school have lead me to become an independent, organised and self motivated, which I believe will prepare me for my studies at Sixth Form.

Best answer:

Answer by farzan_r
Congratulation for all this achievements but there is one problem in your statement and that is to use lots of ” I ” for example I do this or I do that . you’re trying to represent your achievement or something that you learned . As it seems that you are very active and energetic to participate in every moment of your school. that’s really good but explain everything and don’t use ” I ” very much , try to explain everything in story-form.

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