by Ken Lund
Question by Madison B: Can you please read this?And comment too?
I lifted the yelled hood of my parka over my strawberry blonde hair and I stepped out into the pouring rain in one swift movement. I glanced back at the house and I crossed my arms; I was thinking. Suddenly, the bus horn blared loudly, so I jogged halfway to the bus because the front door of my house flung open. I turned to face Danielle; my little sister racing down the steps with her book bag unzipped, hair un-brushed, and papers flying out of her book bag and landing on the wet pavement.
“Audrey, wait up!” Danny waved her right hand in the air. Oh god I thought to myself. Danny was such an embarrassment ever since my first day of first grade. Danny is one year younger than me so she was going into kindergarten. I had to walk her to class and walk her home is what my Mother had said. Well, I had made two friends who were very loyal and independent. They stood up for the right things. Anyways, we were walking with our class back to class with our lunch trays. I had picked up a tray of lasagna, French fries covered with ketchup, and a bowl of salad with ranch dressing dripped over it. As we were walking Danielle saw me and ran at me like a speeding bullet. She collided into me, causing the tray to flip back and land on me. I had been soaked in those foul foods and she just stepped back giggling, “Sorry, sissy.” One day, I was going to kill her.
I shook my head and I speed walked to the bus door. The bus door flew open and Mrs. Lane stared at me viciously with a cigar hanging out of the corner of her mouth.
“You’re late.” she stated ferociously. I looked at her dull, pale blue eyes. She was forty seven and she had breast cancer. This was one person that I wished hadn’t survived.
“Yes, I’m sorry. I was up all night studying and…” I was cut off by Mrs. Lane’s snarling.
“Don’t give me that crap! No high school student studies you little nerd! Get a life and get up earlier!” She laughed cruelly. Danny appeared behind me with her chocolate brown hair gathered into pigtails. The bus driver glared at her and motioned us inside of the bus. I walked down the aisles as all of the kids snickered in their seats quietly. I stopped at seat nine to sit with my best friend, Demi-Lee.
“Hey, Audrey. What’s up?” Demi asked in a concerned tone. Demi was really pretty, but no one saw past her blazing red hair that covered her pretty face. I not only saw her face, but her soul everyday. She had an independent soul and she saw things that nobody else saw. She was very perceptive. Today, she wore black skinny jeans, a tank top with a skull painted on it, and a dark, skin-clinging jacket.
“Nothing much, at least for now. What about you?” I sighed. Demi shook her hair in front of her face and replied softly.
“Nothing ever happens to me, Audrey. You should know that by now.” Demi pulled a black notebook with various emotional pictures scribbled on the front. She slipped a black pen out of her pocket and pulled the top off with her teeth. She began to scrawl letters on the page. We sat on the bus silently for the rest of the time until twenty minutes later.
“Audrey, tell me what you think.” Demi murmured and she offered me her notebook. I grabbed the leather notebook and I read the poetry.
The moon is covered by the clouds tonight
In the forest, the wolves snarl and fight
I sit on my window sill, thinking about things to do
I hear a clatter and no one else knew
In walks a teenage boy with brown hair
His eyes green and fair
He reaches his hand out to me
I take it to see
The land of darkness and mystery
My life was then history
I met him, a charming boy
However, it was all a ploy
My heart is wrenched away
I sing softly each day
Finally, the day comes
My killing is done by bums
I sink into death slowly
Everything in my life was unholy
My eyes close and the last thing I see
Is the boy who actually did love me
I finish reading the notebook and I gasp. Demi’s eyes widen in fright and anxiety.
“It’s terrible, isn’t it? I knew I shouldn’t have done the bums!” Demi mutters and hits herself in the head. I shake my head uncontrollably.
“No, no, no! It was wonderful! It was so insightful! That was awesome!” I praised Demi. Demi shrugged her shoulders.
“It’s a talent.” she replied. I patted her on the back, and then the bus came to a rolling stop. I looked out of the window and we were in front of the school. Everyone stood up automatically and started to walk down the aisle like mindless zombies. That’s what I thought this school did. There were several ‘coincidences’ that I thought that the school was brainwashing children. Like this one time when Isabelle Taylor was called up to the office and she came back to math talking about school and crap like that. It was really creepy. I stepped off the bus and me and Demi walked to homeroom.
Right when I walked in, Adam uses the same nasally voice to say some stupid comment.
“Eww, its Audrey.” Adam said nasally. I rolled my eyes an
d walked to my seat which was at a table filled with my friends. Hailey looked up from her book and smiled.
“Madison, remember at my house? Macaroni, macaroni, macaroni, macaroni, put the cheese in the middle. What do you get?” Hailey sang. I giggled and nodded. I sat down in my seat at my table and Cady waved at me while she was talking to Lauren. I waved back and I waited until the bell rang to signal Language Arts. But, before the bell rang, I screamed high-pitched at the empty space in front of the door. Everyone stared at me and Demi whispered to me.
“Why are you screaming?” she hissed. I whispered back.
“I saw the guy!” I hissed. Demi looked at me with a grin on her face.
“The guy, you mean THE guy?” she asked. I nodded my head up and down. She stared at me like I was crazy.
Yeah, this guy that we were talking about is probably confusing you. So, let’s start at the beginning. When I was eight years old, I fell in love with pirates. I have no idea why, I just did.
I think I fell in love with sexy Jack Sparrow or something like that. Anyways, the obsession over Jack Sparrow ended but the obsession with pirates never ended. Well, every Saturday night now, ever since I was eight, a boy about my age came into my room. And every time I looked older or taller, he got older and taller. He had dark brown hair and forest green eyes that hypnotized me.
Demi stared at me and laughed care-free. “You are one crazy person. Now, come on! We have to get to Language Arts!” Demi smiled. As we walked down the halls, I was sure I saw a group of girls surrounding a dark haired boy with green eyes, forest green eyes. My eyes were glued to him and Demi had to tug me along beside her. Right before we stepped in through the classroom door, I swear I saw lush green eyes peering at me from the window across the hall.
Answer by Fallen
The starting off description was good, but once you got into the flash back, I began to lose interest. Although it gave a good insight to a mortifying event that happened in Audrey’s life, it seemed to drag on, and it was very confusing.
I really like the character Demi. However, the other characters, Audrey and Danielle, don’t grab my attention as much. Although description is a very good thing to have, you over-use it in the story. Mrs. Lane also seems a bit to harsh in my opinion, but that’s fine with me. It gives her a unique personality. One thing I was confused with, you wrote “She was forty seven and had breast cancer. This was one person I wished hadn’t survived.” You changed the tense so I don’t know if she HAS breast cancer and Audrey doesn’t want her to survive or if she HAD breast cancer and Audrey wished she didn’t survive.
The part where you talked about getting brainwashed in school seems completely irrelevant. It’s alright if it’s for the character’s perspective of school, but if it doesn’t have any relevance to the main part of the story, cut it down.
It was good because for most of the story, I felt as though I was reading without forcing myself to read. Be sure to check your grammar, though.
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